99 Days to Live

It's so weird to live in a cell with a camera in it. The last 99 days of my life, on display to politicians ans prison administration. I can't even use the toilet without wondering if the Senator is watching. This whole situation is so surreal. I've lived here once before when I didn't actually have a date. My best friend, Patrick Knight had his date. The old authority figures that worked here (and have since moved on) let me live next to him until they killed him. We didn't have cameras on death watch back then, though. I could never really understand what he was going through over here. He tried to explain it, but it's hard to find the words... I don't know. It hasn't really set in for me yet, so I couldn't tell you either. I've been here almost a decade, and even though I've watched several friends go through this shit and eventually die, it's kind of abstract to me. It really is hard to get my head around it all. I spend all day standing at my cell door, talking to men who are going to be dead, some in just a week, some in two weeks, all before me. What struck me is that no one has a problem talking about it. I mean.. not only talking about it, we laugh about it. It's the most serious thing that could possibly happen to us and we've turned it into a joke. The warden walks through...

My friend Mark says, "Warden! I've got a problem!"
The warden says, "What's that?
Mark replies, "Well, I'm allergic to pentobarbital. If you inject me with it, well sir, I might die."
Yeah, should have seen the look on the warden's face trying not to laugh. Morbid humor- but shit, you have to laugh or it will break you. Speaking of breaking, I broke my fast. Everyone and their brother is telling me I should stop fasting so I'm eating again... for the time being. I guess the most persuasive argument for it was 'what's the point of anyone trying to save my life, if I am determined to destroy it'.. OK, y'all win. :-)

I'm going to rest. Keep your heads up out there.